Thursday, July 16, 2009

September 13



I never can tell how this day will hit me.

Last night, I predicted an easy day. I have felt pretty connected with her lately. Giving birth to a girlbaby and naming her after my mom made me feel even closer to her spirit. I kind of felt like I had been mourning a bit each day. In a healing way. If that even makes sense.

I woke up and knew immediately I was wrong. My eyes didn't want to open. My body begged me to stay in bed. Those calls would go unheeded. Dave had to go to work. I needed to muster up my mamaenergy. I snipped and snapped at Dave before I finally wrangled the kids into the car.

I decided to seek out jasmine. I have such fragrant memories of the jasmine plants that flanked our house growing up. I wanted to kind of lose myself in the scent and do a little time traveling. I packed up the kids and headed off to the Arboretum.

We didn't find the jasmine. But, we found a lot of laughter (and a snake.) I just wish their Grandma NJ could have been there to giggle along.
On the way back to the car, the kids made a mama sandwich and I wondered how she experienced motherhood. I wish I could have known.

The kids are now asleep and the tears keep blurring my vision. I can't wait for tomorrow to come.

12 comments:

mrotzie said...

Lovely. ((hug))

Kathleen said...

oh girl...i am just now seeing this...
i am sorry.
i feel that way when i think of my dad. it stinks that they're not here, now, to see us being mamas.

lovely post. love to you. xo

Nicola said...

I am very sorry your mama is not here...for you....and to see what an amazing mama you are. Take care, and you are in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Hugs and love to you Kristy!! xo, ampc

Karin said...

Love you Kristy. Been thinking of you lots. Hugs

Anonymous said...

Oh, what beautiful children! I think your mom is with you in spirit. How proud your mom would be of you.
Love you
Irene

Maya said...

I still miss my dad sometimes and it's been over 10 years. Just be sad if you need to.
Glad to see the blog's back in action, btw.

Emily said...

I just saw this. Much, much love to you.

suzz said...

love and hugs and more love to you today. i think you are an amazing mama and daughter.

Annalise said...

love you Kristy!

Margaret said...

I think it is time for a mama mourning fika, no? I was so lost in my own September 13, I forgot about yours. I do have to say that several times over the past week I had to keep reminding myself that at least I am not 12 and going through this. All I can say is that your mom just had to have been a phenomenal mom. I love you! maggie

Anonymous said...

Now the tears are blurring my eyes! I didn't know we had this in common, Kristy. I lost my mom in my late 20s and am sometimes surprised @ how my grieving for her continues as I enter new phases of my life - esp. motherhood. Thank you for posting this. It is beautifully written and tells the experience so well. Kari (Smalkoski)