Sunday, July 25, 2010

Making The Call

"If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have had children."

"It's just a matter of time until everyone finds out how truly evil you really are."

These were a few of my father's greatest hits of my childhood. It wasn't exactly the sort of childhood that is captured by Norman Rockwell.

My dad and I are not in touch. I haven't spent more than an hour with him since 1994. He doesn't know that I have two kiddos. Or that I live in Minnesota. Or that I am even married.

I don't intend on telling him these gems when I call him. I have taken to staring at my cell phone a lot lately. I imagine dialing the last known digits, but I am stuck on how to broach the fact that I know about the donor dad. Worried that my voice will fail me.

Do I start with the quick and dirty? "Hey Dave (cruel irony that his name is also Dave), so I know. What's the deal with the sperm donor?"

Or do I ease into it? "Howdy Dave, how's my evil stepmother? Gonna retire soon? Great. How'd you pick my donor dad?"

Or should I be gentle in hopes that he'll be true? "Hi Dave. How's it going? Oh, I am great. So, AC finally let me in on the secret. I am hoping you can share a bit about what you know..."

And yet, part of me is just grateful to him. I am still struck that he never told me. A man that did not mince words of his unbridled disgust for me never slipped up. He could have slayed me in high school. He either didn't tell or held back my stepmom from spewing the secret. I was already so beaten down, I think it could have pushed me into territories I am surprised I didn't explore.

Or maybe this knowledge would have untied my perverted allegiance to a father who seemed to find peace in torturing me. Maybe I wouldn't have spent years fearing the evil that didn't lurk inside.

Stop staring. Pick up the phone.


Kathleen said...

for the record. i think you are an amazingly strong, super-intellegent, beautiful woman. i can't imagine that anyone would be less than proud to have you as their daughter.
i am sorry that you had the experience that you had with your dad. *hug*
and i love that, even in all of this internal chaos you are going through, you can still be thankful in a small way.

good luck, mama. i am cheering you on and rooting for you with all my heart. xo

Emily said...

I've been internetless as well as phoneless lately. Looking forward to catching up! Wondering if this phone call has been made yet...

Anonymous said...

i've been weaning myself off the internet, and missed all of these posts. I have so many things to say that were discarded because of their... wrongness. so all i really know to say is that i love you very much, and i'm so proud to call you friend, and thank you for sharing this with us. i've also been deemed enough to know some family secrets in the last year or so, and it's a very interesting/difficult position to be in. also, i think you are a MAGICAL human, the most opposite of evil of anyone i've ever met. love love love you


Anonymous said...

MAGICAL human you are, that sums it up well. Wow, Kristy. I wish you luck if you haven't called yet. I hope you get the answers you want/need and then can more fully walk away from that man. Sending lots of love!!!
Lynn H.