Sunday, May 8, 2011

Sweetbitter

I suppose you never outgrow being a daughter.

I keep expecting this to get easier. It doesn't. Or perhaps I could grow a little more self aware. I don't. About 36 hours before Mothers Day, a flip switches and the weepy bitch arrives. And I can mostly tamp her down, but there are moments when she seizes control and warps every interaction.

Mostly with Dave.

He's beaming with news of "the best Mothers Day present" and I am pissed before I even open the box. Furious, as NOTHING can replace my mother. I understand this is not what he is aiming to do. I feel like I am not being listened to, ignored, forgotten. And I don't even want to open the box.

He cannot win. And I cuddle into Spence who has proclaimed, "I hate Mother's Day." Good boy.

There are always moments of goodness...because life is bittersweet or really, sweetbitter.  Eating my favorite breakfast ever with those I love.  Chasing after a beaming Nora with her babies and a superhero whose main methods of saving people are webs and water.  Holding hands with Dave.  Breathing.

It's just still hard to stay in the moment of mother, which still feels deliciously surreal, instead of daughter on a day such as this.

2 comments:

Kari said...

Your beautiful, bittersweet posts like this convince me that we were meant for one another.

Kari said...

I actually think "Sweetbitter" describes the feelings so much more effectively. Let's just use it from now on to describe every future sweetbitter Mother's Day.